The hardest part of my day is waking up because when I wake
it feels like there is a box of goddamn firework’s going off next to my head.
Throughout the day there are moments when I have to stop what I’m doing, close
my eyes, and wait for the jolt of pain to stop going through my head. I’ve had
migraines so bad I’ve been brought to tears. I haven’t had a day without a
headache in 5 years. I didn’t play football in college, hell I barely played in
high school, but over the course of ten years I took some shots to head. I’ve
been tested for CTE, which is what killed Frank Gifford recently among many
other former NFL players, but show no signs of it. Knowing the answer to this
questions I asked it anyway, I asked my neurologist if my headaches would ever
go away, he shook his head and said no.
I came away from that appointment knowing what I already knew and what I
had already come to grips with, my brain is permanently damaged and it’s what I
have to live with. I take responsibility for the lack of care I showed my brain
over the years by not telling someone I had a headache or by not seeing a
doctor when I should have, but I’m fine with it. That’s what I deal with.
I’ve had this discussion with many, many people over the
years and it’s something I will continue to think about and ask myself until
the day this question becomes reality, will I let my child play football? The
answer is no, and I’ve been emphatic about that answer. Would I love to see my
son or daughter play football? Absolutely. Outside of my family football is my
biggest passion in life and has played a significant role since day one and it
always will, but as someone who knows what concussions can do to your everyday
life the guilt I would feel if my child went down the same path would be
unimaginable.
It shouldn’t take the production of a movie or the death of
a player for us to dive into the problems that are concussions. Yet here we
are, day in and day out talking about NFL players going through “concussion
protocol” before they’re cleared to come back to play. Most of the time it’s
about a week or two before a player is “cleared” to play again, and trust me
when I say this, that’s not nearly
long enough.
I had my first concussion in 4th grade when I
played for Our Lady of Victory (shout out to my OLV people), and when I was
done with high school I had racked up double-digit concussions. It wasn’t until
I got deep into high school football where they started to become a problem for
me. My parents didn’t know then what parents know now about concussions, and
that’s not their fault. We weren’t educated on them, no one really was and they
still aren’t.
Much like every other kid who played football I dreamed
about playing in the NFL, clearly that wasn’t in the cards, but that doesn’t
mean I don’t love the game just as much as someone who plays it. I do, however,
know someone who plays the game at the highest level and as much as I love to
watch him play it sometimes scares the hell out of me. Is that an overreaction?
Probably, but that’s just me.
I hear it all the time when people are talking about
concussions, they argue that you should allow your child to play football, or
any contact sport, and if they happen to get a concussion to take them out of
the sport. I refuse to listen to those people. I refuse to listen because it
only takes one.
I love football, a lot, but I’m going to love my child that
much more.
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